Convos in the Dark
by DragonMaster65
Summary: Years after leaving his hometown, Ben Solo gets contacted by an old friend who is just as miserable as he is. Cue a conversation he's been avoiding for far, far too long. Prompt Fill. Modern AU - See notes for more info. [Oneshot]


**Reylo prompt: things you said that I wish you hadn't**

 **Thanks to Verobird for this prompt. Of course my immediate thought process was - How about angst and an uncomfortable conversation between Rey and Ben where she says she wishes he never moved away because that's when everything fell apart for her. Because that's totally what you intended, right? Right. Good.**

 **This is set in the same AU as Sharpest Lives and takes place about 8 years after what I'm imagining will be one of the final events in it. Please read Sharpest Lives (because it's hilarious and will hopefully make your soul much happier than it will be after you read this angsty piece of fanfic).**

I'm selfish as selfish comes you're giving me a run for my money, honey

 _11:12pm, March 17th, 2015_

Ben slid into his computer chair and frowned at the orange notification hovering at the bottom corner of his screen. He had a message waiting, though he wasn't sure who it would have been from. Hux was in the living room, passed out on the couch. And Phasma had notified them just last week that her platoon would be out of contact for the rest of the month.

So who was skyping him at eleven at night?

He tabbed over to the program, smirking at Hux's away message. His roommate hadn't yet noticed the classic gag that Ben pulled every time he left his laptop unlocked. After all these years Hux still had the same ridiculous username that just lent itself to mockery.

Ben looked over to the _New Conversation_ that was waiting for his attention. His face blanched when he recognized the profile picture staring back at him. The face was older, lacking the softness of youth, and the expression was almost mournful, but it was clear who was reaching out.

REYLORD-SUPREME wants to Chat!

REYLORD-SUPREME - Hey there, "Kylo." Why am I not surprised that you still have the same screen name after all this time?

Okay, so maybe Hux wasn't the only one who couldn't be bothered to come up with a new username. But that was beside the point. This couldn't be happening. How on earth had she tracked him down? And why was she reaching out after so long? Ben ran his hand through his hair, tugging at the black, curled locks.

She would have laughed at the fact that he _still_ was dying it with cheap drugstore dye.

Another message popped up while he chewed anxiously on his lower lip.

REYLORD-SUPREME - Ben, I know you're reading these. I just wanted to talk.

REYLORD-SUPREME - You _do_ still know how to talk, right? You didn't forget after eight years.

Her ribbing finally drove him to type in a response.

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - You have a lot of nerve talking to me like that when last I saw you still had trouble doing your multiplication tables

The moment of "silence" before the tiny typing bubble cropped up was nerve-wracking.

REYLORD-SUPREME - It's really you, isn't it, Ben?

He swallowed hard. Even after everything that had happened since he was last home, Ben could still remember the way she would say his name. Could hear her inflection in the plain black text.

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - Yes. It's me.

REYLORD-SUPREME - Oh thank God. Because you have no idea how many different variations of "Kylo Ren" I had to search before I found you.

REYLORD-SUPREME - I have superior investigative abilities. I might become a PI

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - Hux told you, didn't he?

REYLORD-SUPREME - You can't let me have this one thing. Just one!

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - :)

A silence stretched across the conversation. Ben tabbed back over to his email, refreshing it anxiously in hope that maybe something would take him away from this awkward mix of nostalgia and -

Skype blipped at him, the notification box floating up to catch his eye once more.

REYLORD-SUPREME - Can we video chat? Would be easier than typing.

Ben started to type in a reply, begging off that he was just too busy tonight, but Rey cut him off before he could hit send.

REYLORD-SUPREME - Or voice call?

REYLORD-SUPREME - if that would be easier for you

He let out a slow hiss before tapping out a reply.

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - Let me just find my headset.

REYLORD-SUPREME - Waiting just on the other end of the internets :]

He pushed away from the computer desk, throwing his head down into his hands. His headset was hanging off his monitor like it always did, ready and waiting for him. But Ben couldn't, didn't, wasn't going to be able to go through with it.

How could he talk to Rey? The last he'd seen her was years back. Before Phasma started in the Marines. Before he and Hux moved out to their shitbox apartment they were barely making rent in. Before the accident. She was too strong a reminder of his godforsaken hometown he'd escaped.

But she was still Rey. The tiny, clumsy ball of constant eagerness that dogged his footsteps every summer. The pipsqueak of a girl who somehow weaseled them all out of their allowances to win her prizes at the carnival. Rey who scavenged art supplies from the elementary school art closet to sketch the drawings carefully pressed between Ben's old college textbooks for safekeeping.

Groaning, Ben Solo pulled his lanky self back to the computer desk and roughly shoved his headset on.

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - Found it.

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - You are now cleared for voice conferencing

Within milliseconds the call was ringing on his screen. Despite the easy jokes and banter back and forth, Ben was wary of just what he was getting into. He clicked on it after four long, piercing rings.

"Rey," he said gruffly into his mic. Even through his own headphones Ben could hear how low his voice was.

Rey's voice by comparison was loud and dripping cheerfulness. "Ben fucking Solo I thought you were never going to pick up!" she chirped.

He could imagine her perching on her bed, feet tucked under her crossed legs and hands wrapped around her knees. Of course she was still ten years old in his mental image and definitely not supposed to be swearing at the top of her lungs. A smile twisted across his face.

"How have you been? What's it like outside of Drearyville, USA?" Her questions bubbled forth with equal excitement.

"Well, I have to say that it's not exactly riveting," he admitted. "Mostly it's shitty apartment life and wishing that Hux washed his socks when he needed to, not just when he wants to."

"Oh wow, Hux didn't say you guys lived together when I talked to him the other day," Rey commented after choking back laughter. "How have you kept him around for so long? You guys aren't… together… are you?"

Ben scoffed, though it wasn't the first time either of them had dealt with the question. "How could we be together when he's so thoroughly enamoured with LT Phasma, heartbreaker?" he joked.

It was easy, practically painless, to slide back into teasing and carefree conversation with Rey. She'd always been deceptively mature when they were young, following their teenaged conversations with rapt interest, firing off biting sarcasm in a mirror of Ben that had alarmed his parents and Phasma alike.

She rambled about her schoolwork when he asked, though she was more eager to talk about her acceptance to the local community college. "Luke said that if things work out, I can work with him while I take classes. He isn't going to make me move out as long as I'm working on my associates, though I don't think he'd make me leave even if I wasn't taking classes," Rey explained, rapidly moving into her next tirade about the courses she was hoping to take.

Ben swallowed hard and stared blankly at the screen in front of him, losing track of the words that filtered through the headphones. It had been years since he'd heard mention of Uncle Luke or his farm. Panic, raw and unfiltered, raced through him and he bit hard on his cheek to ground himself.

He was in his apartment. It had been eight years. Hux was just in the other room. Re- No one was in danger.

His face wasn't burning up from pain. The scar twisting along his nose was long healed, not coursing with fiendish agony.

"I'm sorry, I need to go," Ben gritted out, interrupting whatever Rey had been saying.

He reached out and shuffled his mouse to the disconnect button, but the stupid thing was jittering all over the place and he couldn't manage to click it before the pointer twitched away. His heart was pounding in his ears and he could barely hear Rey's voice over the thunderous beat.

Sounds coalesced into words. "Ben, please don't leave me alone again," Rey breathed, repeating the plea over and over. "Don't leave me alone. I won't make it. Don't leave me-"

"Okay." He could finally get the words out of his mouth, spit them into the microphone. Rey hadn't heard, still begging in short gasps for him to stay with her. "I'm not going to hang up the call, Rey."

She stopped talking, but her breathing was still ragged in Ben's ear. "Rey, I'm still here," he choked out. Whatever was going on, he couldn't bear to hear her break down like that regardless of his own freakout. Ben typed quickly into his keyboard, slamming the enter key several times to be sure that she would get it.

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - NOT GOING TO LEAVE

oOoKYLO_RENoOo - '\

His own pulse, which was still pounding, redoubled as he waited for a reply from the hyperventilating teen. _Good god, this was the blind leading the blind,_ a small part of his brain mused.

Shaky breaths and quiet gasps crackled through the call. Ben's fingers curled painfully around the edge of his desk as he listened. "Rey?"

"Ben," she warbled miserably. "Why did you leave? Everything… Everything fell apart."

He closed his eyes, wishing with all of his heart that this whole mess could just go away. Maybe this was just a bad trip, the result of poor decisions and letting Hux buy him too many jaegerbombs. Ben didn't want to relive the last few days he spent living with his parents.

"Why did you leave?"

His teeth gnashed together and Ben spat out a terse reply. "I had to leave, Rey. I just… I had to," he hissed. "You couldn't understand."

She let out a noise somewhere between a whimper and a groan. "You never _tried_ to explain it to me," Rey exclaimed. "You just _left._ No one would tell me what happened. I got left completely alone and everything went to shit."

"Well it wasn't exactly a walk in the park for me to run away from my family," he growled. "But how could I stay? I was just a kid and-"

" _I was a CHILD. You were almost an adult_ ," Rey shouted. Something crashed in the background of the voice call. "You could have explained it to me so I didn't have to hear about my best friend skipping town from the _school counselor_."

The truth hurt. Especially one that he had been running away from for the greater part of a decade.

But what really twisted the knife in his back was the raw agony in Rey's voice. He had left town to avoid the pain and embarrassment of staying without thinking about what it would do to the girl he had tried - and failed - to save from a terrible foster home.

Ben Solo rubbed away the tracks of tears from his face, furiously blinking away more. Thick silence fell between the pair. Her accusation weighed heavily in the air and Ben had to address it. If he didn't then he was no better than the asshole she thought he was.

"Rey," he hissed through fingers pressed anxiously to dry lips, "I'm sorry." He sucked in another breath and continued, "You're absolutely right. I should have told you why I left."

She scoffed, still resentful. "You shouldn't have left at all," Rey growled back.

He rubbed at his forehead. She was right, _dammit_. A fresh wave of long-repressed guilt rushed over him, churning his stomach. "...I know that now," Ben sighed quietly.

Stunned silence met his admission. Then, Rey cleared her throat and squeaked out, "Beg pardon?"

It took everything in Ben's power to just _breathe_ and ignore the pounding of his heartbeat. "I said 'I know that now.' You're right. I shouldn't have left," he said. "I was a coward and I just ran."

A strangled sob sounded through Ben's headphones. His heart raced to his throat. Did he just make everything even worse? Was that even possible?

"Rey, please don't…" his voice trailed off. Words failed him and he wished for the first time that they were talking face to face instead of through headsets.

She sniffled and her microphone crackled from the noise. "I just… I needed you to know that… Well, I just needed you to know," Rey finished quietly.

"I feel like I'm dying. Every day."

He didn't reply, couldn't come up with any excuse. There simply wasn't one.

"I thought the loneliness would go away," she murmured. "But it just keeps growing. I don't understand _why_."

Ben closed his eyes and nodded. It took a moment before he remembered that she couldn't see him. "Everything hurts, feels meaningless," he intoned blankly. The sensation was nothing new. He'd let the numbness in years ago. It was easier than confronting the gnawing sensation of guilt and loneliness.

"Yeah."

The utter hopelessness in her voice was too much to bear. What had happened to the happy-go-lucky youth he'd last seen? _She had her heart broken and was completely abandoned by the only person looking out for her._

"Rey, I don't know what I can do, but I _swear_ to you, I'm going to find a way to make things better," he promised, his voice thick as he recalled a nearly identical promise given to a frightened ten-year-old girl.

"Okay," she said quickly. Ben still heard the crack in her voice as another silent sob escaped her.

Ben clenched his fist tighter, feeling his resolve strengthen. "I mean it, Rey," he said fervently. "I'm not going to let my mistake keep hurting you."

A sound came through his headphones and Ben blinked as he tried to figure out what was happening now. Rey was _giggling_. It wasn't full on laughter, but it was better than angry shouting or a return to hyperventilation.

The sound muffled slightly - Ben imagined she was stuffing her knuckles into her mouth to stop the sound like he remembered - before she choked out actual words. "T-thank you, K-Ky," she giggled. "You didn't change at all. You still think you can fix everything with-" more laughter cut into her talking before she regained her composure again "-with your _speeches_ and your _promises_."

She wasn't mocking him, at least not for the sentiment behind his words. He felt his ears flush red from the comment. So, he might be a little dramatic. So what?

Ben recovered from the sudden tone shift and gingerly uncurled his fingers from their tight fist. His nails had cut his palms without him realizing it. Thin trails of blood dripped down towards his wrist. "Well, I like to think that's not a bad thing," he growled between clenched teeth. His words had no bite to them, though, and Rey only laughed more.

"It's not, I swear," she chuckled.

The conversation dipped between them as she recovered from her laughter and he struggled through the tumultuous emotions that were washing over him. They were both hurting - he from his guilt for leaving town, as well as the original pain and trauma that had pushed him to leave, and she from the pain of being abandoned.

But he was stronger now, dammit, and he wasn't going to let pain consume him anymore. Not when she was clearly so overwhelmed and the blame rested solely on his shoulders.

"I bet you wish I hadn't called," Rey muttered quietly in the silence between them.

Ben sighed, shaking his head again. "You're not wrong," he replied in a low tone. "I'm a big enough man to admit that. But you were right to call me out on everything."

"Even still-" she started.

" _No_ ," he cut in tersely. He refused to let her walk down that mental path. "You were right. I was wrong. Let me fix it. I promise I will."

"Okay, Ky," she whispered. "Okay." He sat back in his chair and ran his hand through his hair reflexively. The motion knocked his headset off, and Ben scrambled to pick it up off the floor.

"Shit shit shit, I'm still here," he shouted, legs flailing as he struggled to reach the goddamned thing. His fingers curled around the aux cord and he yanked it unceremoniously back into his lap. By the time he got it back on his head, Rey was completely consumed by laughter.

Ben growled tersely, "I'm back."

She snickered, failing to reign in her amusement. "You're still obsessed with your hair, aren't you?" Rey teased.

"I am _not_ obsessed with my hair."

"Please tell me you've at least found a real brand of hair dye."

"Manic Pa- You know what, I put up with enough of this shit from Hux, I don't need it from some pipsqueak teenager too," Ben raved, throwing a hand into the air before slamming it back down on the arm of his chair. He regretted it immediately when the plastic irritated the tiny cuts in his palm.

"Maybe you should listen to one of us then, Mr. Overdramatic," Rey snarked back.

Ben rolled his eyes. "This re-connecting is going just swell." It really was a roller coaster, but he couldn't help the smile on his face. He really had missed her.

"Hey, I'm just making up for lost time. Just wait till the next time I see you," she said ominously.

"What, you're going to finally pay Hux and I back for all those Frosties and McFlurries?"

"Hey! Phasma paid for most of those and you know it!"

"Okay, so are you going to pay her back for yours, too?"

"... Let's just pretend neither of us brought it up."

 **Thanks to my good friends Meg, Miki, Kristen, and Sophie for helping me to figure out what the fuck I was doing with this fic!**


End file.
